This month my Dad turns 80, we’re really looking forward to driving to the Southwest to visit them for his birthday weekend. The other side of this is having to have a chat with Big M. Having to explain that Grandpa might act strangely sometimes and get a little confused.
We all suffer with memory loss as we get older but for some, it’s a little more serious than that. For my Dad it’s slowly been creeping up on him over the past five years or so. We’re still waiting for an official diagnosis but all signs point towards Dementia.
And now things seem to be deteriorating more rapidly.
At first he would be aware that his memory wasn’t the best, as we all get older I think we can relate to this. When he met with friends or acquaintances he would often start the conversation “You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t remember you too well, my memory is crap nowadays”. It was all a bit lighthearted to begin with but then it started to affect his moods.
He would get really angry with himself if he forgot the simplest thing, like a pint of milk he’d asked to pick up as he was passing the corner shop. I think he was scared that he would end up like his own mother who suffered with Dementia and passed away not recognising any of her children who would often visit her.
To begin with my Mum also found it frustrating, they would visit places they’d been to before and he would say how he’d never been there. Mum would tell him, exasperatedly, that they had. My parents like going on cruises. After their 4th or 5th cruise holiday, Dad told me what a fantastic holiday it was, he’d never been on a cruise before. He would meet acquaintances who would greet him warmly and he’d have no idea of who they were.
Gradually they started to accept that this was becoming the new normal and Mum would devise ways to help him deal with it. They began to keep photo diaries of their holidays so she could show Dad the places they’d been and remind him of what happened.
Dad has also slowly accepted his failing memory and tries to not get angry about forgetting things. However this has also been helped by the antidepressants that are now part of his daily pill intake. My sister, who is a doctor and lives close to them, has been a great help and support (to my mum in particular). Providing sound advice and making sure when they go to their memory consultations that they know what’s happening.
However he has his good days and bad days. He still gets very confused, for example he recently tried to use a shop’s loyalty card instead of his debit card in a shop. He was convinced it was his debit card and got very agitated when Mum tried to explain that it wasn’t.
How do I feel?
I’ve found it hard. As you can see from the picture at the beginning of this post, me and my Dad are (were) keen cyclists. He got me interested in bikes and cycle racing when I was still a teenager. We enjoyed a number of cycling holidays together to Mallorca. Of course, he doesn’t really remember them. I’m beginning to feel I’ve lost the Dad I used to ride with around those stunning mountain roads.
We live near London, a three and half hour (minimum) drive from them. It is so difficult as you get older and you realise that your parents are beginning to increasingly need your support. This is made doubly difficult when you have a young family who equally require 100% of your attention. What makes it worse is knowing that his condition is only going to deteriorate.
Well we need an official diagnosis that he is suffering with Dementia. Only then will they be able to access much needed help and support.
We’ll be making sure we go and visit as often as we can. I want my girls to spend as much time as they can with their Grandpa which will hopefully help him as well.