No, not of the Brexit variety. I’m talking about the minefield that can be 4yr old birthday parties.
This was brought home to me at earlier this week when I picked up a little envelope from my daughter’s drawer at pre-school. This was at picking up time and there followed an embarrassing situation.
We opened the envelope and I read the contents to her, it was a birthday party invite from one of the other girls in the class. M was so overexcited she skipped out and off to the car we went. We were leaving at the same time as one of her little friends.
She excitedly asked her “are you coming to the party?”
Little friend; “Yes”
Little friend’s mother; “NO, you’ve not been invited!”
I was silently chastising myself for mentioning the envelope, I should have waited until we were in the car before we opened it.
We have got to know each other through our girls friendship at pre-school and I felt immediately embarrassed. It’s quite something isn’t it when you worry about mentioning if your child has got an invite to so-and-so’s party in case the child of the person you’re talking to hasn’t. Not everyone decides to hire a space that can cope with the 30+ children in M’s room at pre-school.
Worrying about party invites when your child is only 4yrs old! I fear there is more of this to come! But that is what happens isn’t it, despite your best intentions, you worry if your child is going to be well liked among their peers.
I try not to worry, after experiencing the chaos that is a party in a soft play last weekend I can happily never experience that again. But you want the best for your children and if going to a birthday party is what they want then along you go!
However another dilemma is soon to raise its head. It’s M’s birthday next month and we are organising a party for her (it’s all a 4yr old wants afterall) in the local village hall. We’ve booked an “ice-princess” entertainer (you can guess who). They are expensive and as soon as you have more than 25 kids you need to pay for another entertainer to support them. So now we have to decide who gets invited and who doesn’t from her pre-school. M doesn’t care as long as Elsa is at her party so as ever it’s left to us parents to navigate the minefield that is children’s birthday parties.
This post was originally published in my previous blog in April 2018
Long ago in a galaxy far far away…..
There was a little girl who knew when to go to the toilet and took herself off there without any problems at all.
And the link between those two sentences, one is science fiction, the other is just pure fiction.
The story so far
As regular readers will know we’ve had our fair share of issues potty training M. We started this latest session of training just after Christmas, M also turned three recently so this is it, there’s definitely no going back. She has been doing really well. She prefers to use the toilet and can normally get herself there to do a wee. It’s the poos that are the issue. Everyone says “she’ll get there” which is great, but when you’ve been trying to potty train for almost a year, it’s not much consolation.
The lowest ebb
The thing is, there really is no rhyme or reason to when they will get it. We encourage her, we act disappointed when appropriate, we praise exuberantly when needed. You feel like you’re just not getting through sometimes. This all came to a head the other week at nursery school.
I got a call from the room leader explaining that M had had a big poo accident. She’d cleaned her up as best she could but perhaps I should come and pick her up in case she does it again. Now, to be fair to nursery, the accident was quite (hope you’re not eating) “liquid” and they were concerned that she was unwell. When I came to pick her up I had a long conversation with the room leader about “what can I do”. She suggested that we don’t make a big fuss and just keep on as we were, perhaps use marbles in a jar as an incentive for example. Excuse me, “don’t make a big fuss”?! How is calling her Dad to pick her up early when she soils herself, not making a fuss???
When we thought about it, both me and my wife were quite annoyed. Especially as the next day at nursery, M refused to eat her lunch. She knows that food leads to poos, perhaps she didn’t want to eat in case she had a poo and I was called to bring her home early?
The only way is up
Moving on from that incident I feel she’s definitely become more aware of going to the toilet. Also an upside is there is more focus from her key worker and room leader at nursery on supporting her with her toilet training. It’s about time!
This last week we’ve had a couple of amazing breakthroughs. On one day she managed to go to the loo to do a wee and at the same time did a poo, this happened twice in one day! Then a day later she came into kitchen in the morning and said “I think I need a poo”, took herself off and did it on the loo!! AMAZING! Me and my wife were so giddy with success, we even opened a bottle of bubbles at the end of the day.
Of course that was four days ago and since then she’s reverted and hasn’t managed to make it to the loo for a no.2. Sigh, kids giveth then taketh away!
I am taking the two glorious days we had of success. Hope it’ll happen again soon.
Sorry about all the toilet talk but as a parent I never thought I’d become quite so obsessed with my daughter’s bodily functions. What do you think?
This post was originally published in my previous blog in November 2017
Oh what’s a Dad to do? You may remember my struggles with potty training Big M here and here. Well after 3 months of trying i’m giving up! Ok, that’s a bit dramatic and to be fair to M, she is doing really well with the weeing side of things. She will even get up in the night and sit on the potty to do one.
It’s just the No.2’s.
In doing a bit of research on potty training I found the following book most helpful: “Oh crap potty training” . Part of Jamie’s method is the “going commando ” approach. I.e. in the early stages, letting your toddler run around naked from the waist down and then going to wearing leggings etc without underwear. This really worked for M and we found, even recently, that if she was naked from the waist down she would manage to get to the potty for her poo.
However she consistently has accidents when wearing her underwear. This came to a head yesterday. Our morning routine is that she gets up, takes off her overnight nappy, does a wee on the potty then puts her “big girl pants” on and we head downstairs for breakfast. Yesterday in the midst of making hers and little m’s porridge she came in with a tell tale little cramped look as if she was about to go so I told her to get on the potty right away but she said “no, I don’t need to” and left the room. Minutes later she came back in on all fours having soiled her pants. I was so annoyed, probably more so with myself for not stopping what I was doing and just putting her on the potty. As Jamie says, you have to facilitate their successes.
I just don’t understand why the addition of underwear has this affect on her when she clearly gets it with her wee. Anyway, we took the decision today to keep her in her pull up nappy’s, so far we’ve done everything the books tell you not to; use pull ups, rewards, no praise, too much praise, punishment (removing stickers from her chart). I can see where we’ve gone wrong, she’s confused the poor thing.
So she was initially quite upset by the idea of not wearing her big girl pants, but after I clearly explained that once she’s able to do a poo on the potty she can go back to wearing them, she was a lot happier.
It feels like a long and bumpy road, i’m just hoping that by not making a big deal of this change she can “get it”, oh please god before she turns three next Feb!
This post was originally published in my previous blog in October 2017
So I have previously posted on our experiences with potty training and how it’s been a long and tortuous road. We are still on that road and recently had to “reset”.
I wrote that just before my wife returned to work from maternity leave. People say that children cope well with change, well I know one little girl who doesn’t. Poor Galla was quite upset that mummy wasn’t at home on the Monday morning when we left for nursery school. When I picked her up that afternoon she was in a pair of “loaner” shorts from the nursery, she’d managed to go through the four changes of clothes I’d packed in her school bag. Oh dear….
Well all the literature says that you could go backwards with potty training if the child feels unsettled. For the rest of that week it didn’t get much better, in fact it got down right frustrating, she would do her little “wee dance” and I’d ask her to go to the potty and she’d refuse saying she didn’t need a wee. Then of course within seconds she’d wet herself. It wasn’t much better if I just picked her up and put her on it, there were tantrums, it got the point where she was almost going rigid and screaming when I tried to get her on the potty….one thing we didn’t want to breed was a fear of going to the toilet.
Anyway, we went on a trip at the end of the week to visit to Grandma and Grandpa for the weekend. Galla loves seeing them, but there were still accidents and she was still getting very upset about using the potty or toilet. So finally on Sunday morning we asked her if she wanted to use nappies again, she meekly said that she would. We put her in nappies all day and the change was remarkable, we had our happy little girl back again! Funnily enough she still treated the nappy as if she was wearing pants, she’d do a wee and act like she’d wet herself and ask to be changed.
The next day was Monday and I asked her as I was getting her dressed if she wanted to wear pants or nappies today and she said pants. I made it clear that if she wears pants she has to use the potty and toilet and did she understand that, she nodded. That was last week and so far we are back to normal, well still not getting the number twos but at least back to being happy to go on the potty/toilet and taking herself off there with no problems.
I just wanted to share this as some of the books you read appear to be real doomsayers about “never go back to nappies”, “it’ll confuse them”, “create problems” etc. It doesn’t really, we gave our little girl some control back again which in turn appeared to fix the uncontrollable spiral we were finding ourselves in.
I really hope I don’t have to write another piece on potty training…..
This post was originally published in my previous blog in October 2017
Where do we start?…. Well I started looking at Pinterest and found a load of these sort of pages:
The idea that you can potty train your child in three days is bollocks. Of all our friends with children they all have various stories of success; “after a while she didn’t want to wear nappies at night and that was that” for example, but none have said they did it over a long weekend!
We are currently seven weeks down the line and while M will happily take herself off to the potty or toilet when she needs a wee, we are still struggling with poos. Now everyone says that this is a sticking point (forgive the pun) but I really don’t know how to progress on this issue. I guess we can keep on supporting her, give her lots of encouragement and reminders of “where do poos go?” she knows exactly where they need to go but at the moment the closest to success we’ve had was her telling me she needed the toilet just at the moment she was doing it. Oh well, as my wife said “it’s a miracle any of us know how to use the loo, we’re not going to train m, she’s going to be in nappies until she’s 22!”
Also, potty training changes you, myself and my wife have become completely blasé about other people’s sensibilities. When you spend most of your week days going to places and activities where there are other children and parents you’re used to kids having accidents and their general (frankly brilliant) no holds barred, shameless attitude to life. But when you have friends visiting who don’t have children you forget this and while it may be completely normal to you to have your toddler parade around half naked then sit on the potty in the corner of the room, you forget that this is not really a normal occurrence for most people.
So how on earth did we get here?
You have to remember that everything that your child has learned to this point is pretty much instinctive, eating, walking, talking all come naturally and we as parents are there to guide and develop these attributes. But going to the toilet is seems totally unnatural to a toddler and it is the first thing that we as parents actively have to teach and they to learn. So it’s a learning curve for both of us.
We tried the potty when M was 27 months but it was within 2 months of m being born and it was a disaster from beginning to end so we quickly abandoned it. Reading various books tells you that should only attempt potty training at least 2 months before or ideally after the arrival of a new sibling.
So, reset and start again.
Both me and my wife discussed how we should approach potty training M and in the end I drew the short straw. We decided that it would be good if one parent took the lead and as I’m naturally the calmer of the two of us I got the job, ho hum.
As with most things to do with parenting I like to read a bit from several sources, either ignore it or take what I like from each. We went with the approach that we will go with M being out of nappies for most of the day but if there are times when we absolutely need to leave the house then we would put a nappy on her. While some sources say this is confusing for the child most recommend not night potty training them at the same time so they are going into a nappy a night, what’s the difference?
I read a couple of books on the subject:
Typically for Gina she’s a bit hard core and goes with the “once they’re out of nappies, they’re out, no going back!”
This book was a bit more of a softly softly approach, suggesting that you start your child on “sessions” of training, you go an hour or two without the nappy and slowly extend this over a period of time until she is out of the nappy for the whole day.
Anyway, we chose a clear couple of weeks at the end of the summer holidays and went for it. The first four days she was wearing her “big girl pants” but consistently kept having accidents, she’d wet herself and then say that she needed the potty. Doing a poo often came more out of luck than judgement, by sitting her on the potty around the time of day she usually went we occasionally got a success but more often than not I was cleaning soiled pants yet again.
We spoke to some friends who were going through the same process with their daughter and they recommended the following book:
I also consulted “Mums mafia”…sorry, mumsnet and this book quite often comes up in their forums as a good one to use for potty training.
It suggests going with the naked from the waist down approach for the first few days until she “gets it” and then progress to going commando, i.e. just wearing leggings or shorts for example and eventually after a few weeks putting the pants on.
The change was remarkable, going naked from the waist down made all the difference. After four days of pretty much one success a day and lots of accidents we immediately went to one or two accidents and lots of successes. After a few days we even managed our first outing, down to the local supermarket without an accident. I made a point every time we went out to take her to whatever public loos were available, firstly to not breed any fear of using a different toilet but also to get her to actually do her business in them. That first outing the supermarket in question has an excellent parent and child facility and I sat her on the loo and after a couple of minutes she did her wee…so proud.
Funny how life has changed for me, being immensely proud when my daughter successfully wees in a public toilet!
This month my Dad turns 80, we’re really looking forward to driving to the Southwest to visit them for his birthday weekend. The other side of this is having to have a chat with Big M. Having to explain that Grandpa might act strangely sometimes and get a little confused.
We all suffer with memory loss as we get older but for some, it’s a little more serious than that. For my Dad it’s slowly been creeping up on him over the past five years or so. We’re still waiting for an official diagnosis but all signs point towards Dementia.
And now things seem to be deteriorating more rapidly.
At first he would be aware that his memory wasn’t the best, as we all get older I think we can relate to this. When he met with friends or acquaintances he would often start the conversation “You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t remember you too well, my memory is crap nowadays”. It was all a bit lighthearted to begin with but then it started to affect his moods.
He would get really angry with himself if he forgot the simplest thing, like a pint of milk he’d asked to pick up as he was passing the corner shop. I think he was scared that he would end up like his own mother who suffered with Dementia and passed away not recognising any of her children who would often visit her.
To begin with my Mum also found it frustrating, they would visit places they’d been to before and he would say how he’d never been there. Mum would tell him, exasperatedly, that they had. My parents like going on cruises. After their 4th or 5th cruise holiday, Dad told me what a fantastic holiday it was, he’d never been on a cruise before. He would meet acquaintances who would greet him warmly and he’d have no idea of who they were.
Gradually they started to accept that this was becoming the new normal and Mum would devise ways to help him deal with it. They began to keep photo diaries of their holidays so she could show Dad the places they’d been and remind him of what happened.
Dad has also slowly accepted his failing memory and tries to not get angry about forgetting things. However this has also been helped by the antidepressants that are now part of his daily pill intake. My sister, who is a doctor and lives close to them, has been a great help and support (to my mum in particular). Providing sound advice and making sure when they go to their memory consultations that they know what’s happening.
However he has his good days and bad days. He still gets very confused, for example he recently tried to use a shop’s loyalty card instead of his debit card in a shop. He was convinced it was his debit card and got very agitated when Mum tried to explain that it wasn’t.
How do I feel?
I’ve found it hard. As you can see from the picture at the beginning of this post, me and my Dad are (were) keen cyclists. He got me interested in bikes and cycle racing when I was still a teenager. We enjoyed a number of cycling holidays together to Mallorca. Of course, he doesn’t really remember them. I’m beginning to feel I’ve lost the Dad I used to ride with around those stunning mountain roads.
We live near London, a three and half hour (minimum) drive from them. It is so difficult as you get older and you realise that your parents are beginning to increasingly need your support. This is made doubly difficult when you have a young family who equally require 100% of your attention. What makes it worse is knowing that his condition is only going to deteriorate.
Well we need an official diagnosis that he is suffering with Dementia. Only then will they be able to access much needed help and support.
We’ll be making sure we go and visit as often as we can. I want my girls to spend as much time as they can with their Grandpa which will hopefully help him as well.
I recently wrote about our plans to relocate to New Zealand. You can see my post about it here.
Things seems to have gathered pace now. It’s funny how just one little moment sparks something in your mind and from that an idea snowballs! Well for me it happened last week.
We’ve been doing the rounds of local school open days recently. Big M starts reception next September so we have to submit our school applications by this coming January. We’ve been really impressed with each school we’ve visited which makes the decision really hard. But I digress.
In each classroom we visited the children seem so lively and engaged. We’ve taken along little m on a couple of these visits. In one reception class in particular, a lovely little girl commented on how nice little m was. It wasn’t that in particular but all these interactions with the children sparked something in me. I thought to myself “you know, I’d quite like to spend my time working in this environment”.
So over the weekend I mentioned this to my wife and she was super enthusiastic about it. Over the weekend we discussed it at length and now I’m settled on this being my big career change! I’m really excited about the idea. The thought of going back to work in finance and accountancy did not appeal at all!
This has also crystallized our plans for relocating to NZ. Before, neither of us had an idea of what we would do to earn a living out there. My wife works in the banking industry in the city and is ready to step down from being the breadwinner. Now that I have decided on teaching, that is something I can easily do in NZ and also support the family while doing so.
What happens next. I’ve already started researching post-grad teacher training courses, I’ve registered with UCAS. I just need to work out what area I want to go into. My first thought is Primary but I keep being recommended Secondary. There’s quite a bit of research to do, fortunately there appears to be a lot of helpful advice out there….watch this space.
Have any of you gone through a major career change, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
As regular readers will know, my wife is a kiwi and since we had the children we’ve tried to visit NZ every year. We want them to know and enjoy visiting their family over there.
I was going to write a piece on what we did on our travels over there but have decided to share with you our current thoughts on a much bigger life changing decision.
After every trip over there we always get a touch of the holiday blues which is particularly hard for my wife as NZ is her home. Ever since we first met she has talked about moving back and I’ve always readily entertained that idea. Now we have children the question of emigrating is becoming more and more important.
When to go?
We need to think about when, the eldest of the nephews and nieces over there is 16. We’d want to go soon so the girls can enjoy spending time with their cousins before they themselves spread their wings and leave the nest. Also, as Galla is now three years old, she will be starting school in 2019 so we’d need to think about timing around her schooling.
My wife comes from Oamaru in the South Island, for a provincial NZ town it’s actually pretty cool. It must be, because Lonely Planet said so. Since I met my wife, I’ve visited four times now. I actually stopped there when I was backpacking through NZ in 2004. Little did I know I’d end up getting married there!
Each time we visit I say to my wife “you know, I could live here”. Which is always a surprise to her because, being local, she can remember growing up just wanting to leave. She never thought she’d consider coming back to settle there with a family.
Family close by,
friendly locals (like most places in NZ),
lots of outdoor activities to enjoy close by.
Work; my wife works in banking and my background is finance, there’s not much call for that locally. We’d have to think outside the box. Do something completely different, run a cafe or B&B for example? That will take time to organise and will involve a steep learning curve.
Auckland, NZ’s largest city. It’s a lovely city to visit, lots to do and see, some excellent dining and drinking as well.
big city amenities in not such a big city,
friends close by,
Work, Auckland’s economy is booming and it would be one of the easiest places in NZ for my wife and I to find work in our sectors.
It’s a city; why move to the other side of the world to live in another city?
Furthest from family, they would be a plane trip away,
Expensive to buy property and like most of NZ, cost of living is high.
Somewhere completely different in NZ. It’s a stunning country and there are some truly spectacular places to live.
We could live somewhere neither of us have been before and really start family life anew
That’s a bit scary quite frankly!
What happens now?
Are you still here? Thanks for reading this far and letting me download my thoughts on this complicated decision process.
My challenge now is to start putting together a plan on what needs to happen when in order to get us to the other side of the world. I will write more blog posts as I work along this process. Do we sell up here? Do we go with work in familiar areas or do we try something completely different?
Watch this space. If you have any thoughts or tips on moving your family to a different country, I’d love to hear them.
Up until recently I had been happily putting all our tea bags on the compost heap. That was until I read an article in the Which? Gardening magazine.
Plastic pollution is definitely a hot topic these days. I was surprised to read that by composting our tea bags I was inadvertently adding plastic to our heap. The majority of tea bags use polypropylene to strengthen and seal the bags. This isn’t biodegradable. Considering there are billions of tea bags sold across the UK annually, that’s a lot of plastic being leaked into the earth.
What do I do in the meantime? Or I don’t want to change my brand
WRAP maintains that composting or disposing of your teabags in the food recycling bin is still the best way to deal with them. We still have a catering pack of our previous brand of bags so I’ve moved to putting them into the food recycling.
What are you doing to help combat plastic pollution? let me know.
I suffer from tinnitus and have done, on and off for about 25 years.
What is Tinnitus
The perception of ringing in your ears. It is a fairly common condition affecting about 1 in 10 people in the UK. For some it can be so overwhelming that it affects their quality of life, they find it hard to sleep or concentrate for example. For others, like myself, it is an annoyance that you learn to live with but really wish you didn’t have to. I find it quite distressing that I can never truly enjoy quiet, I always have a ringing in my ears.
It is not a condition in itself but a symptom of an underlying condition such as age-related hearing loss or ear injury.
Tinnitus and me
I think my first memories of it came around the time I was university. I’d go to gigs and find my ears ringing for days afterwards. Since then it is something I have always been aware of but have just got on with. When my children arrived it became a bit more of an issue. I found that my daughter’s cry was at the same frequency as the ringing in my ears. This meant when she was upset and crying hard I actually found it painful to listen to.
Earlier last year I decided to try to investigate it further as it was causing me such discomfort. I went to my local GP and managed to get a referral to a specialist. I had hearing tests and a follow-up discussion with the specialist. As you get older you lose hearing at higher frequencies, this is normal. But for me as these nerves die off it creates “noise” which is interpreted by my brain as ringing. So the problem is exacerbated as I get older.
What can you do
Nothing unfortunately, well, there is no cure for it. Tinnitus can impact your quality of life and cause problems such as:
You can already see if you’re a new parent, these are complications that you definitely don’t need. If you’re able to treat these conditions then while it won’t make your tinnitus go away, it will hopefully make you feel better.
What I was told is that as there is no cure for tinnitus you can find ways of managing the condition. Try and reduce stress factors, attempt to get a good nights sleep, turn down the volume and get some exercise for example. If it is something that does bother you then there are support groups out there that can help. I’ll add some links below.
And for me?
Well as my eldest has got older she understands that Daddy sometimes has sore ears so she needs to be a little bit more quiet. This usually has the desired effect, though during her terrible twos she did once or twice scream at me deliberately. But hey, that’s toddlers for you!